How Dublin Bus Caused A Zombie Apocolypse and Other Tales

Ms Myrtle Tisdell

Address Line 1

Address Line 2

06 February 2011

Customer Comment Desk.
Dublin Bus.
59 Upper O’Connell Street,
Dublin 1.

Dear Dublin Bus.

Over two years ago, faced with economic uncertainly and dwindling customer numbers, Dublin Bus embarked on what could most kindly be described as an ill-fated bombardment of extraordinary cut-backs and more accurately as, a series of inconceivably stupid arrangements which would only serve to catalyse a chain reaction of ever increasingly moronic and irresponsible decisions. The die had been cast, positive feedback would lead to a self-amplifying chain of events and as such the story unfolded.

In response to the aforementioned problem of customer numbers, other companies at the time were coming up with new and creative ways to entice customers. Understanding that the jobs they provided their employees with were pivotal to the recovery of Ireland, they knew they had a duty, if not to themselves, then to the wider Irish public, to ensure the survival of their companies. Unfortunately, many failed, but they went out with guns blazing and axes drawn to fight off the zombie apocalypse of the recession. Happily, many survived and have learned to live somewhat symbiotically along side their zombie neighbours. Dublin Bus, having obviously little or no experience of surviving a zombie apocalypse, axed 290 jobs, scrapped weekday nitelink services and removed 1,000 scheduled journeys from its timetable, effectively dropping all of their weapons and running to hide under a table. Not a clever move. Upon entering a house, under the table is exactly where zombies will first look.

This encounter rendered Dublin Bus a strikingly useless and untrustworthy ally in the fight against the zombies. It was not long before zombification set in.

In April 2010, Dublin Bus announced “Network Direct”. Network Direct was heralded by them as a cure for our zombie woes. They were going to “provide a route network that is simpler and easier to understand, with more direct, regular, frequent and reliable services” and all they had to do was take 90 more buses and 150 staff out of service. They also arbitrarily allowed much shorter journey times to compensate for the reduced number of buses on the routes. Classical mechanics has taught us that this rarely works out well, although perhaps they were allowing for the buses weighing less due to the ever diminishing customer numbers. Either way, the reaction had begun to propagate.

By October 2010, with the introduction of Network Direct, mass confusion and mild hysteria had set in across Dublin. No one, including the staff at Dublin Bus, had any idea which buses still existed, when they were going to arrive and if they did arrive, where they would end up and how much they would cost.

There is something terrifying about the unknown. For example; when a person is trying to get to a bus stop on the other side of a road, and seven of the same bus go speeding by, it puts an unnecessary strain on the autonomic nervous system. The mind begins to race.
"Were they seven late buses or all the buses for the next 6 hours?" 
"I don't want seven buses at once! I want 7 buses at frequent and reliable intervals!" 
"Do I start walking or will another 7 buses arrive in a minute?!"
That person is reduced to pacing back and forth, mumbling to themselves about the unfathomable incompetence that is currently molesting their day. It is an alarming situation to find ones otherwise rational self in.  

Similarly, when a person regularly waits 45 minutes for a bus that leaves the terminus every 4 minutes, it causes an undue amount of stress and panic. Stress is a leading cause of illness and as human beings are inclined toward self preservation, anyone who could avoid getting the bus on their way to fight the zombies, got into their cars to enjoy at least, a stress-free commute. What a mess! (But on the plus side, this made the buses even lighter and therefore faster by Dublin Bus logic). They would need to do some serious damage control at this point, to save the few remaining customers they had.

By December 2010 it had become screamingly obvious that, particularly hard hit by Network Direct, were areas with high numbers of residents on low incomes. Sure you can always count on people like that to get the bus because really, what other choice do they have? Some 85 year old woman is hardly going to walk the 12km into town from Monkstown Farm. She can get the bus and be thankful she was only waiting an hour for it to arrive, or be eaten alive by zombies, right? So, today Dublin Bus have increased their fares for the bizillionth time in the past 12 months. Now, many of the remaining Dublin Bus customers would be financially better off, investing in a car, bicycle, private limousine driver or helicopter.

Dublin Bus increased its fares “because the economic downturn has led to a reduction in revenue . . .” There is something suspicious going on here. Surely and economic downturn is the perfect opportunity for something like a bus company to increase revenue by providing a cheap, reliable, stress-free alternative to driving. Surely that was why they fired all their staff and cut all their services. Is that not what Network Direct was all about?! I’m confused… What the hell is going on here?!

Regards,

___________________

Ms M. Tisdell

Ms Myrtle Tisdell

Address Line 1

Address Line 2

28 February 2011

Mr. Paddy Doherty CEO.

Dublin Bus.
59 Upper O’Connell Street,
Dublin 1.

 

Dear Mr. Paddy Doherty, CEO.

It is unfortunate that no one in your office managed to acknowledge or respond to my previous letter. I can only assume that this is due to there being no staff in the employ of Dublin Bus at present. I am taking for granted that the points made, were taken on board at the highest level, but just in case, I have enclosed a copy for yourself.

I have also enclosed two photographs for your consideration. Regarding picture 1, there is simply no denying, these maps are upside down. I don't know what kind of 1930's surrealist graphic designer you hired for this, but André Breton inspired route maps never helped anyone find their way anywhere. If I wanted to read maps while standing on my head, I would have become a cartographer and contracted syphilis.

Also, these are not the nearest ticket agents to Stillorgan Shopping Centre... not by a long way (See picture 2) 

 

Comhghairdeas on Fine Gael's spectacular victory this weekend. I'm sure you'll be delighted to have them in. Now they can take over the rampage of cuts at Dublin Bus and you can take a much deserve break.

All the Best,

________________
Ms. M Tisdell