Stubborn Old Ladies

Hi.

Myrtle's next letter is now due but, as a result of a combination of unfortunate technological events, the fast approaching growing season and a knitting project of epic proportions, it's not finished. I've tried reasoning with her but she simply won't be having any of it. All in her own time, she says but assures me it will be done in the next few weeks. It better be a good one, that's all I can say!

Regards,

Meg

How Dublin Bus Caused A Zombie Apocolypse and Other Tales

Ms Myrtle Tisdell

Address Line 1

Address Line 2

06 February 2011

Customer Comment Desk.
Dublin Bus.
59 Upper O’Connell Street,
Dublin 1.

Dear Dublin Bus.

Over two years ago, faced with economic uncertainly and dwindling customer numbers, Dublin Bus embarked on what could most kindly be described as an ill-fated bombardment of extraordinary cut-backs and more accurately as, a series of inconceivably stupid arrangements which would only serve to catalyse a chain reaction of ever increasingly moronic and irresponsible decisions. The die had been cast, positive feedback would lead to a self-amplifying chain of events and as such the story unfolded.

In response to the aforementioned problem of customer numbers, other companies at the time were coming up with new and creative ways to entice customers. Understanding that the jobs they provided their employees with were pivotal to the recovery of Ireland, they knew they had a duty, if not to themselves, then to the wider Irish public, to ensure the survival of their companies. Unfortunately, many failed, but they went out with guns blazing and axes drawn to fight off the zombie apocalypse of the recession. Happily, many survived and have learned to live somewhat symbiotically along side their zombie neighbours. Dublin Bus, having obviously little or no experience of surviving a zombie apocalypse, axed 290 jobs, scrapped weekday nitelink services and removed 1,000 scheduled journeys from its timetable, effectively dropping all of their weapons and running to hide under a table. Not a clever move. Upon entering a house, under the table is exactly where zombies will first look.

This encounter rendered Dublin Bus a strikingly useless and untrustworthy ally in the fight against the zombies. It was not long before zombification set in.

In April 2010, Dublin Bus announced “Network Direct”. Network Direct was heralded by them as a cure for our zombie woes. They were going to “provide a route network that is simpler and easier to understand, with more direct, regular, frequent and reliable services” and all they had to do was take 90 more buses and 150 staff out of service. They also arbitrarily allowed much shorter journey times to compensate for the reduced number of buses on the routes. Classical mechanics has taught us that this rarely works out well, although perhaps they were allowing for the buses weighing less due to the ever diminishing customer numbers. Either way, the reaction had begun to propagate.

By October 2010, with the introduction of Network Direct, mass confusion and mild hysteria had set in across Dublin. No one, including the staff at Dublin Bus, had any idea which buses still existed, when they were going to arrive and if they did arrive, where they would end up and how much they would cost.

There is something terrifying about the unknown. For example; when a person is trying to get to a bus stop on the other side of a road, and seven of the same bus go speeding by, it puts an unnecessary strain on the autonomic nervous system. The mind begins to race.
"Were they seven late buses or all the buses for the next 6 hours?" 
"I don't want seven buses at once! I want 7 buses at frequent and reliable intervals!" 
"Do I start walking or will another 7 buses arrive in a minute?!"
That person is reduced to pacing back and forth, mumbling to themselves about the unfathomable incompetence that is currently molesting their day. It is an alarming situation to find ones otherwise rational self in.  

Similarly, when a person regularly waits 45 minutes for a bus that leaves the terminus every 4 minutes, it causes an undue amount of stress and panic. Stress is a leading cause of illness and as human beings are inclined toward self preservation, anyone who could avoid getting the bus on their way to fight the zombies, got into their cars to enjoy at least, a stress-free commute. What a mess! (But on the plus side, this made the buses even lighter and therefore faster by Dublin Bus logic). They would need to do some serious damage control at this point, to save the few remaining customers they had.

By December 2010 it had become screamingly obvious that, particularly hard hit by Network Direct, were areas with high numbers of residents on low incomes. Sure you can always count on people like that to get the bus because really, what other choice do they have? Some 85 year old woman is hardly going to walk the 12km into town from Monkstown Farm. She can get the bus and be thankful she was only waiting an hour for it to arrive, or be eaten alive by zombies, right? So, today Dublin Bus have increased their fares for the bizillionth time in the past 12 months. Now, many of the remaining Dublin Bus customers would be financially better off, investing in a car, bicycle, private limousine driver or helicopter.

Dublin Bus increased its fares “because the economic downturn has led to a reduction in revenue . . .” There is something suspicious going on here. Surely and economic downturn is the perfect opportunity for something like a bus company to increase revenue by providing a cheap, reliable, stress-free alternative to driving. Surely that was why they fired all their staff and cut all their services. Is that not what Network Direct was all about?! I’m confused… What the hell is going on here?!

Regards,

___________________

Ms M. Tisdell

Ms Myrtle Tisdell

Address Line 1

Address Line 2

28 February 2011

Mr. Paddy Doherty CEO.

Dublin Bus.
59 Upper O’Connell Street,
Dublin 1.

 

Dear Mr. Paddy Doherty, CEO.

It is unfortunate that no one in your office managed to acknowledge or respond to my previous letter. I can only assume that this is due to there being no staff in the employ of Dublin Bus at present. I am taking for granted that the points made, were taken on board at the highest level, but just in case, I have enclosed a copy for yourself.

I have also enclosed two photographs for your consideration. Regarding picture 1, there is simply no denying, these maps are upside down. I don't know what kind of 1930's surrealist graphic designer you hired for this, but André Breton inspired route maps never helped anyone find their way anywhere. If I wanted to read maps while standing on my head, I would have become a cartographer and contracted syphilis.

Also, these are not the nearest ticket agents to Stillorgan Shopping Centre... not by a long way (See picture 2) 

 

Comhghairdeas on Fine Gael's spectacular victory this weekend. I'm sure you'll be delighted to have them in. Now they can take over the rampage of cuts at Dublin Bus and you can take a much deserve break.

All the Best,

________________
Ms. M Tisdell

Heil Kenny (Updated)

Update

I sent this letter to Enda Kenny because of the similarities I perceived (rightly or wrongly) between the policies of Fine Gael and the Nazi Party. Unbeknown to me at the time, was the fact that the son of the notorious antisemitic Fine Gael TD, Oliver J. Flanagan, is a candidate in the Laois-Offaly constituency. Oliver J. Flanagan was noted for making comments to the Dáil such as "Until we rout the Jews out of this country it does not matter a hair's breadth what orders you make" and "How is it that we do not see any of these [Emergency Powers] Acts directed against the Jews, who crucified Our Saviour nineteen hundred years ago, and who are crucifying us every day in the week?" Lets hope that the apple falls very far from the tree indeed.

It was reported in the Guardian newspaper that "The family of Patrice Lumumba, the assassinated first Prime Minister of Congo, have demanded an apology from the Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny, who called the revered African liberation hero a 'nigger' in a racist joke." In my dotage, there is nothing I enjoy more than keeping up to date with current affairs but Enda managed to keep this one quiet, even from my shark eyes. Fine Gael officials have dismissed the issue as "dead". The family of Patrice Lumumba feel, understandably, rather differently about this. If you're wondering why you haven't heard anything about this, it's because Enda asked reporters not to mention it and they cheerfully obliged. I see the final nail has been put in the coffin of free media in Ireland. All we need to do now is elect them so they can lower it into the ground. The UK media were not so accommodating however and there have been widespread calls across the water, for Enda to step down.

I can only imagine he is personally moderating Fine Gael's Facebook page too. Yesterday hundreds of people's comments were deleted and their profiles blocked. Many people inquired about the suitability of Fine Gael's equality spokesperson, Lucinda Creighton after she said she believed the purpose of marriage was to “propagate & create environment for children to grow up”. A poll on thejournal.ie seems to suggest that a lot of people disagree with Lucinda's views. Other deleted posts included questions about equal rights, gay marriage, homophobic bullying in schools, single parents, neutrality, stem cell research, graduate tax, genetically modified food and voting abroad.

...I suppose as you get older you develop a 6th sense about these kinds of things.

Ms. Myrtle Tisdell

Address Line 1

Address Line 2

20 February 2011

Mr Enda Kenny
Tucker Street
Castlebar
Co Mayo

Dear Mr. Kenny

I was delighted to hear of you and your party's recent 'quantum leap' in popularity. What a fine dolichocephalic specimen of a man you are! I can see by your skull and facial features that you posses the mental and moral faculties of a true leader. Am I correct in assuming your Germanic heritage?

Let me first say that I think the new slogan for the under classes is terrific! "Let's get Ireland working". Working like dogs I say! For the lowest wages and the highest taxes possible. If we can get them working for nothing, all the better. That's the only way to keep them in line. Labour camps will help us rebuild Ireland and if the people don't like that fact, they can always leave, as I'm sure all the graduates will, to avoid the new tax. We can learn from the lessons of Germany in this regard. They lost many great physicists to the US in the 1930's and their destiny may have been realised had they taken steps to avoid this. May I suggest compulsory service in the newly militarised army you have planned. Don't mind those neigh sayers that criticise your stance on Irish neutrality. When Germany was forced into that situation after WW1, The Great Man used his vision and strength to abandon neutrality and as a result, the 3rd Reich grew out of recession. Great nations grow from military power and create order in the world. The New Order, if you like.

May I commend you for speaking out on the gay rights issue, and saying what everyone was thinking but too afraid to say. Strong, powerful men are never afraid to speak their minds. Ireland will only become strong again if we apply the principles of racial hygiene and eugenics. Besides, this is the time to deal with serious issues that effect everyday life such as stag hunting. It is not the time to be discussing irrelevant human rights issues like abortion or gay marriage. Do they not realise that we are not all created equal and that they have previously been identified as Lebensunwertes Leben? (Life unworthy of life, in case your German is a little rusty).

I am looking forward to your reform of the Irish Health care system, so that we can at last set up much needed centre's for genetic and racial hygiene. Obviously, abortion will be a must until the program of sterilization is rolled out, but you're right to keep this under wraps for the time being. The nation has become weak and corrupted by the infusion of degenerate elements into their bloodstream. These must be removed quickly. It is the only way to ensure the future of Ireland.

Still, I gather that Leo Varadkar is running again. It's good to see that you're enticing the immigrant vote by having an Asian in your inner circle but be careful it doesn't run away on you. I say, once you've won, send him to the camps! You certainly made the right choice in ditching George Lee. By the look of him I'd imagine he has some Rhineland Bastard in him.

And it'll be great to be rid of the Irish language at last, for German truly shall become the language of Europe, and our total submission to the E.U. will finish the job our great leader began in 1939. We certainly can’t have those f**cking pagans running around, talking gibberish, trying to ruin everything for the upstanding, God fearing Christians in our society.

There are tough times ahead Mr. Kenny but you have been chosen by God to lead the Fourth Reich and must implement the Final Solution. Herr Himmler always carried with him a copy of the Bhagavad Gita as it gave him great solace and relieved the guilt he felt. I will try to locate you a copy for the journey ahead. Just as when The Great Man was at the reigns of Germany, many of his ideas were taken out of context but I assure you, you have my vote!

Perhaps you would oblige me with a signed copy of your manifesto, for prosperity. If you and Lucinda are ever in the area feel free to call in. I have a good few ideas up my sleeve. As The Great Man himself once said "May God Almighty give our work His blessing, strengthen our purpose, and endow us with wisdom and the trust of our people, for we are fighting not for ourselves but for Germany."

Wir mussen der irischen ausrotten!

Yours truly,

________________
Ms M Tisdell

Myrtle & Her Angry Friends

This is what Myrtle and her friends get up to when they're not writing letters...

Suing Old Women Makes Me Feel Like a Big Man Too (no response)

To put this one in context here are some links:

http://www.independent.ie/national-news/comics-brother-in-threat-to-sue-neighbour-91-over-shed-fall-2529410.html

http://www.labour.ie/tomshortt/

The email:

Dear Cllr Shortt.

I read with interest, the article in the Irish Independent on your upcoming court case. I wish to offer my sympathies for your negative portrayal by that newspaper. Discrimination sickens me to my core and I firmly believe that every individual is responsible for ensuring health and safety around them, regardless of gender, religion, race, age or social status. If that lady couldn't afford to maintain her own roof, perhaps she doesn't deserve a roof.

I have also read with enthusiasm, about the good work you have done for the people of Limerick, especially the very young and the very old. I am particularly impressed with your work on the development of indoor recreational facilities for young people, the skate park and your belief that "policing and law enforcement should be focused to give people especially old people a greater sense of safety and peace of mind on the streets and in their own homes free of intimidation and vandalism". I do need to point out here however that it is not only important to inspire young people to achieve in sport and community based activities but also in grammar and punctuation.

While I am assuredly in favour of your policies, I worry about their health and safety implications. Heaven forbid you should find yourself in a situation such as the one Ms. O'Flynn has got herself into. The following are a few considerations which you might wish reflect upon. 

In the skate park created by your action group, youths are putting life and limb at risk. As I'm sure you remember from your youth, there is tremendous pressure on young people to conform to the latest fashions, which appear to involve a great disregard for safety in recent generations. I imagine you will win some favours among the voting youth in the area if you campaign for compulsory safety gear to be worn in the skate park thus removing any peer pressure while maintaining safety standards. I, however, would go one step further and suggest a campaign for compulsory bubble wrap suits to be worn in and near the park to ensure maximum protection of participates and observers alike. These suits of course bring their own dangers, and with such a volume (excuse the pun) of young people using the park in their suits, the magnitude of pops produced may exceed the Occupational Exposure Limits for noise, so ear protectors will probably need to be made compulsory also. It would be a terrible shame if something should happen to a young person while making use of the facilities and an even greater shame still if they should believe you to be in some way liable.

Secondly, may I suggest that in making our communities safer, you consider introducing a ban on cars from residential areas to protect our children. In fact, 212 people were killed on the roads in 2010 and it has been suggested that this figure could be reduced considerably by introducing a blanket ban on cars. Upon further research I found that it without wheels, cars can do practically no harm to anyone. This fact extends far beyond cars. Indeed, without wheels there would be no motorcycle, bus, bicycle, train, car, van, skateboard, roller skate, ambulance or firetruck accidents. Of course, with the fire trucks out of commission, a ban on fire will also have to be imposed but we managed without it for thousands of years and we'll manage again. Similarly, with no ambulances available, it will be of utmost importance that people stay indoors at all times and remain very still so as not in endanger themselves or others in anyway.

This will lead to some minor inconveniences for members of the public, all of which I believe can be easily overcome by taking advantage of a much under utilized resource. People over 65 receive their state pension without ever having to lift a finger from the day they retire. Pensioners should contribute something to society, for the first time since they built this country in their youth. I propose that the old age pension would be earned. 

With everyone else indoors for health and safety reasons, the Grey Army would be enlisted to carry out odd jobs for neighbours, for example; grocery shopping, gardening and day-to-day banking. They would be in charge of the fire and policing services, health care and government, which would almost certainly lead us out of recession and back to a new, fairer, more honest and responsible Celtic Tiger which believes that people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones and similarly, people who stand on roofs shouldn't sue. We should never underestimate the power of the Grey Army. They may not pay your salary anymore but they are the only people in this country that have been around long enough to recognize the potential contained within their vote.

No one has accomplished more in terms of at taking advantage of the weak and vulnerable in society than our politicians. Perhaps what they are even better at however, is passing the blame off on someone else.

I am sure you will make a wonderful addition to Dáil Éireann. Best of luck to you in this regard.

Finally, I would like to apologise for not offering my support in writing, but in this instance, I felt it would be better to send an electronic mail, in case upon opening my letter you should become inflicted with a paper cut for which you held me responsible.

Kind Regards,

Ms. M Tisdell

After Thought:

After I sent this email I thought to myself, 'Hey, wouldn't it be hilarious, for my blog, if I got a picture of Cllr. Shortt and made him look like the devil, then got a photo of the lady he's suing and made her look all angelic. Haha, yeah, people would like that and it would make them want to read my blog.' 

When I found the pictures, I realised someone had got there first.

About Myrtle

Hi. My name is Meg. I'm a normal 26 year old human female. I like science and cats and snow. I'm a bit uptight and often overly concerned with trivial things. I have an almost sociopathic intolerance of incompetence.

I believe Leonard Cohen once said “Act the way you'd like to be and soon you'll be the way you act”. I'd like an easy life, to be carefree and easy going and I've always liked that guy's style so I tried to take his advice recently.

It went well at first. In a cafe, I took a deep breath and smiled sympathetically at the parents of the screaming child at the table beside me, while they ignored their sons boisterous attempts at expressing some unknown discomfort or annoyance. I smiled manically as 45 minutes passed while I waited for a bus that leaves the terminus every four minutes. I laughed nervously as I listened to that atrocious song on the Aer Lingus helpline for the eleventh time that morning.

Later that day, in the citizens information office, I watched as middle aged woman, after slightly older middle aged woman, refused to acknowledge my existence as the only person in the waiting room. Twenty-five minutes past and I noticed I was developing a worrying twitch in one of my legs, followed by both arms and finally an eye. Long story short, the day ended with me shouting at the clouds on the assumption that they were protecting whatever force of nature had gotten up before me that morning with the sole intention of ruining my day.

Something was awoken in me that day. I call her Myrtle. I think she's around 74 years old. She's been around a lot longer than you or I and has seen a great many things. Everyone would do well to heed her advice. She'd own a dozen cats and collect old newspapers if I'd let her, but I'm young, carefree and easy going so I don't allow such irrational behaviours. Instead, she writes angry letters. She writes them because she knows great change only comes from great anger. Her heart is in the right place and she's always ready to fight my corner when I'm busy being carefree, relaxed and getting on with important things like I've always wanted to.

This will be a series of her angry letters.